-Hey Homegoings Fam.

-I'm Myra Flynn, -creator of Homegoings -the Vermont Public Podcast, -!featuring candid conversations -about race -with artists of color.

-The artists -I interview are so prolific -and so talented that -for a second year in a row -!we've staged a live performance -!with them for a heartfelt night -of music, dance, poetry, -and for the very first time -comedy.

-My therapist recently -prescribed me antipsychotics.

-It's a medication -that's been good for me.

-It's a medication -that I've needed.

-But as he was reading me, -the side effects one seemed -kind of strange to me.

-!He was like, This antipsychotic -has a couple of side effects -and in rare cases could cause -psychosis.

-That doesn't feel fair.

-A heads up.

-Ash speaks about drugs -and alcohol, -struggles with mental health -and suicide in this episode.

-So take good care -!while listening and stick around -for some resources at the end -!in case you are struggling too.

-This is Homegoings.

-Welcome home.

-Up next is Ash Diggs -!and Ash is a standup comedian.

-He - Yeah, yeah.

-The versatility is real.

-Ash grew up in the South.

-He now lives in Queens, -New York.

-But he hails from Vermont.

-!So he has tried out his comedy -!in this state for many a year.

-And Ash was one of my most -vulnerable interviews -on Homegoings -because he has some demons -and some of those demons -as an artist, I totally get.

-Those demons have names.

-They are addiction, -depression, -and sometimes he likes -to sprinkle in a little bit -of self-sabotage.

-Don't we all?

-I think the problem is -that sometimes these demons -over time become familiars, -so you start to kind of -count on them.

-I've always said -!the only job harder than being -an independent musician -!is being an independent comedian -because of kind of take -!your life stuff and take it out -!for a walk on stage for people -to laugh at which he does.

-But the thing is like, -can you be funny -without your demons?

-That becomes the question.

-So Ash has had to ask himself -over the years.

-Is the stage a place to heal -or is it an enabler?

-What's so funny?

-We're about to find out.

-Ash Diggs.

-Give it up for Myra.

-I was so excited to be -!asked to be a part of this show.

-I was looking at the lineup -and I saw incredible artists, -poets, dancers, singers.

-And I was like, Myra, -you know what you're missing?

-A regionally known -stand up comedian.

-You need that in there.

-I am so excited to be here.

-I'm so excited -to be a part of this show.

-I am going to ask yall -!I know that it's been beautiful -and heavy so far.

-Standup comedy, -it takes a slightly -different energy, so -!I'm going to invite all to laugh -when I'm in Vermont -and do standup about some -of the things that Myra talks -about people like to go like, -Oh, please don't do that.

-Please, please don't do that.

-I'm doing comedy up here.

-If I wanted you to Aw I would -wouldn't do comedy, -I would do TED Talks.

So, -please laugh with me.

-!I invite you to laugh with me.

-I had to - -I got my phone right here.

-If you see me looking down, -I did have to bring my notes -!with me because I've had COVID -three times and weed has been -legal for a couple of years.

-So my brain is different now.

-I don't be remembering -the way I used to.

-I'm so happy to be here.

-!But so are y'all ready to pivot?

-Pivot to a standup comedy -energy club?

-!If you're ready for that club, -you're ready for that.

Okay?

-Okay.

-Cool.

Fantastic.

-Thank you so much.

-How are you doing, Sir?

-Oh, pretty damn good -!we're going with the expletives -on VPR, lets go.

-Before the show -!Myra asked me she was like, Ash -are you going to curse a -lot tonight?

And I was like, -Why?

She was like, -!just read the room a little bit.

-So if you see me, -if I use a lot of fricks -and flips, that's -why it's not because -I'm not like a nineties -sitcom character.

-So just come with me on that.

-Thank you.

-I'm glad you're doing well.

-!So I'm trying to check in more.

-I'm trying to work on -checking in with people more.

-I'm trying to check in -on my friends more.

-Specifically my white ones.

-Because for the most part, -I just assume y'all are good.

-!Historically, that has kind of -been the case, right?

-Y'all are usually fine.

-If I don't hear from a friend -for a couple of weeks, -typically I would be worried.

-!But if I don't hear from a white -friend for a couple of weeks, -depending -on the season, I just assume -y'all are either skiing -or at the Cape.

-It's always one of the two.

-!Have you ever tried to hang out -with a white person -in the summer?

-It's impossible.

-What are you all up to -!this weekend?

I'm at the Cape.

-I'm at the Cape.

-I'm at the Cape.

-Let me tell you all this.

-I grew up in a town -called Texarkana, Texas.

-I don't know what that is.

-I just found out -it's Massachusetts.

-Truly.

-Last night I was doing a show -and this woman yelled out, -It's in Massachusetts, this, -and she was white.

-So I was like, well, -you probably know.

-Probably the expert on that.

-I did.

-I used to live in Vermont.

-I live in New York City now.

-And it's finally starting -to feel like home, -never in a way -that Vermont will for me, -but it is finally starting -to feel like home.

-And the biggest adjustment -going to New York -was making new friends, -!making new friends as an adult.

-It's so difficult, right?

-It's so, so difficult.

-Starting small talk.

-!Every time I try to start small -!talk with a group of strangers, -I feel like I sound like I'm -delivering lines from deleted -scenes of Forrest Gump.

-I'm walking up to strangers -and saying things like, -!Have you noticed how yesterday -it was hot, but today it is -cold.

-Do you like basketball?

-I wish my momma was here.

-Even if the small stuff -!goes well, I find a way to mess -it up, right?

-I always find a way -to mess it up.

-I was talking to this woman -a couple of weeks ago.

-We just met -and as we were talking, -she spat on me a little bit.

-!Just played this a little bit.

-We've all done it.

-We've all spat -and been the spitty right?

-The problem here, though, was -!that she saw me see it happen.

-!We've all done that to, right?

-!It was like [spit sound effects] -and she was like, what?

-What?

And I was like, yeah.

-!But I thought, this is a moment -to show out to showcase -that I'm a cool, normal guy.

-So let me jump out in front -!and verbally remove the tension.

-So I started -!what I wanted to say was, either -you're fine or that's okay, -but I got stuck in the middle -!and what inexplicably came out -was, you can do that.

-Guess what did not make her -not feel weird?

-You can do that.

What?

Why?

-She spat on me a little bit.

-!I tried to make things normal.

-I tried to express -that's a normal thing -that people do sometimes.

-And instead what I expressed -was, Oh, -you see, right through me.

-I like that actually.

-I'm new in town.

-Would you like to hang out?

-I'm 29 and I'm wondering, -not wondering.

-I'm thinking it's about time -I stop referring to myself as -a recent grad -and transition -to the at this point -more accurate adult -who is not doing too well.

-The most significant thing -!I've done post-grad is develop -and subsequently -kick a coke habit.

-Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-It was bad, -but not bad enough -!to get me into business school, -so I do comedy now -and I used to do -!a lot of cocaine and Percocet.

-So if I had not already -mentioned I was half white -now you know.

-That's kind of y'all's bag -typically.

-!I was like, let me get involved.

-I knew I was in a bad place -with my drug use -when I started agreeing -with musicians -during the wrong parts -!of the movies about their lives.

-Like I was watching the James -!Brown movie, and there's a scene -!where his wife is like, James, -you got to stop doing crack.

-And I was like, Maam, with -!all due respect, he just wrote, -I feel good.

-From my perspective -!he's pretty dialed in right now.

-!I knew that was wrong, though.

-I knew it was wrong.

-I watched the Elvis movie -and I was like, -This sucks, this sucks.

-And then halfway through, -he got addicted to pills -and wrote a song -!about the civil rights movement.

-And I was like, Hang on, -this is an artist.

-What else has he done?

-I know.

I'm like, working.

-!I'm working through these issues -with my substance abuse, -and with my substance use.

-!It is not who, it's not a thing -that I want to define me.

-But I know that these things, -these substance issues, -they've exacerbated -my mental health issues.

-I was really depressed.

-Two summers ago, a very dark -period of depression.

-I learned -a lot of significant lessons -!from this period of depression.

-The most significant lesson -that I learned was that -if you are specific enough -in the special instructions -while ordering online, -Domino's will deliver a pizza -to a bedside window.

-They don't like it, -but a tip is a tip right?

-My therapist recently -prescribed me antipsychotics.

-It's a medication -that's been good for me.

-It's a medication -that I've needed.

-But as he was reading me, -the side effects one seemed -kind of strange to me.

-!He was like, This antipsychotic -has a couple of side effects -and in rare cases could cause -psychosis.

-That doesn't feel fair.

-That'd be like -!if I gave you a can of bug spray -and was like a 90% chance -this will deter bugs.

-10% chance it's going to make -them want you so frickin bad.

-They're going -to be all over you.

-But it's okay.

-I've been getting over it.

-I've been getting over it.

-I saw a different movie -that made me feel -better about my chances -!of getting over this drug issue.

-Clap if you've ever seen the -film The Fault in Our Stars.

-Couple lovers.

-Oh, lot of lovers.

-!Okay.

Room full of white people.

-I should have assumed we'd -get some good claps for that.

-If you're not familiar -with The Fault in Our Stars, -!it's a young adult romance novel -about Gus and Hazel Grace.

-Gus and Hazel -Grace are two terminally -ill patients at a hospital.

-!And where modern medicine fails -them, modern love -!ultimately will also fail them.

-But it's a nice distraction, -right?

-!And there's a scene where Hazel -Grace and Gus are outside, -and Gus puts a cigarette -in between his lips, -even though the whole reason -he's in the hospital -is because he was, like, born -without lungs -or something like that.

-And Hazel Grace is like, -Gus spit out that cigarette, -and he's like, -Hazel Grace, shut up.

-This is a metaphor.

-I take the thing -that does the killing, -!and I put it in between my lips, -but I don't light it.

-And in that way -I reclaimed power over it -because I don't give it power -to do it's -killing.

And I was like, Yo, -that's deep.

-I'm going to take that -and use it -!to reclaim power over my vice.

-But it turns out this -method does not work -if your vice is Percocet.

-Because if you put a Percocet -between your lips, you're -just taking a Percocet.

-!That is kind of just step one.

-I was depressed -a couple summers ago, but -there were highs and lows.

-June was interesting for me, -last June -was interesting for me.

-I found myself -getting booked on a number -!of queer focused comedy shows, -which as a straight person -confused me.

-Now, look, -I don't want to bite the hand -that snaps -and calls me Queen, but -!I was worried that I was taking -stage time away from queer -comedians during Pride Month -during their time.

-And I don't want to do that.

-I don't want to take -their platform away.

-So I asked the host of a show -I was booked on -!the show was called Queer Gays.

-I was like, Excuse me, -I'm just wondering -why I'm booked on this show.

-And the host looked me right -!in my eye and was like, Oh, Ash -because you're bisexual.

-I was like, What?

-!This is a crazy way to find out.

-What are you talking about?

-And she was like, Ash, you -say it on stage all the time.

-I was like, One, -I say I'm biracial.

-And two, -I don't say it all the time.

-!It's not my fault if it comes up -organically.

-She was like, -Oh my God, Ash, I'm so sorry.

-And I was like, No, no, no, -!no, no, please don't apologize.

-!Honestly, this just goes to show -the generosity -of the queer community -that folks heard the first -half of the word biracial -and were like, Shhh.

-say no more.

-Here's a jersey, you're -on the team.

-Thank you, guys.

-I, I did have to I had to add -an addendum to that joke -because I thought -the thesis of that joke -was that I am not bisexual.

-And yet every time I tell it, -so many people are like, -!it's so cool, you're bisexual.

-It's like, that's not -that's not what I'm saying.

-But also, thank you.

-Thank you for having me.

-I am biracial.

-Thank you for noticing.

-This is great light for it.

-This is really good -light for it.

-People can never really -guess what I am.

-My mom is very, very white.

-My dad is very, very black.

-And I came out looking -like the racial equivalent -of flipping a coin -and it landing upright.

-No one can ever really guess -what I am, but boy do they -love taking a crack at it.

-They really do.

-And I don't know.

-I've spent a lot of my life -wrestling with my self-image.

-And honestly, -!what I've just come to realize -!is this is what everyone's going -to look like in the future.

-!We're mixing them all up, man, -or mixing them all up.

-And honestly, it feels good -!to be one of the earlier models.

-If you took a picture of me -right now -and kept it in mint condition -in 100 years, -it'll be like having a Babe -Ruth rookie card.

-I'll sign it for you.

-I'll do it.

-Only a couple of them.

-Its great, you know, -white children, -they're on their way out.

-I said it.

-Someone wooed.

Lets -not insight a riot here.

-They're on their way out.

-I know that's going to be, -you know, maybe problematic -!for the majority of this room.

-But, you know, -yall had a hell of a run.

-We're -in the brown baby end game.

-Your time is done.

-Your Brandon's, your Riley's, -your Lorelais, your Rory's -yall are cooked.

-!I told this joke in Connecticut -a couple weeks ago, -and they did not like it.

-They looked at me -as if I said I personally -!was coming to take their white -children.

-I'm not.

I promise, I'm not.

-I've also -I struggle with my drug use.

-Ive also struggled -with drinking in the past, -and I think the reason -that I struggle with drinking -is because when I'm sober, -I feel deeply insecure, -I feel deeply anxious, -and I feel like people -don't like me.

-But when I'm drinking, -!I feel confident, I feel funny, -and I feel like people -like being around me more, -!which is crazy because no one's -ever said that to me.

-No one's ever been like Ash, -I love how you don't remember -any of our conversations.

-I think that's really cool.

-And these problems, -they came to a head -in a couple of different -ways, right?

-The most significant for me -!was that a couple of years ago, -actually -in Vermont, in Burlington, -I got a DUI.

-That's not funny.

-It's very selfish.

-It's the most selfish thing -you can do.

-It's dangerous to yourself, -to other people, -and there's nothing -funny about that.

-But before you think -the absolute worst of me, -let me try to explain -what happened that night -allegedly.

-!So it was the night of my level -two improv class graduation.

-!So, you know, we had to turn up.

-One thing led to another.

-I "Yes, and my keys -!into the ignition, I'm driving -!and I it hits me.

Im like Ash, -this is messed up.

-Youre too drunk to drive.

-!You're doing something terrible.

-!You should do the right thing.

-So I tried to do what -in the moment -!felt to me like the right thing.

-And that was to parallel park -my car, perpendicularly -!in the center of Battery Street, -turn off my car, -turn on the hazards, -and go to sleep.

-Now, why do I mention -Battery Street?

-If you've been to Burlington, -you may be familiar -with the fact that that is -where the police station is.

-So, you -!know, they got me pretty quick.

-It was -probably one of the easier -arrests they've ever made.

-And while I was very good -at drinking, I was very bad -at being arrested.

-Cops took me out of my car, -read me my rights.

-I immediately waved them.

-I was like, Officer, -I may be blackout drunk right -!now, but if you have questions, -I have answers.

-!Have you been drinking tonight?

-Yes.

What have you been -drinking?

Whiskey.

-Where have you been drinking?

-Everywhere -the light touches Officer.

-!Have you seen the new Lion King?

-Real animals.

-This happened in 2018.

-I got the police -report the next day -and it was just like reading -the saddest Mad Lib.

-It didn't make any sense.

-They were like, -Have you eaten tonight?

-!I was like, Yes, I had braised -asparagus and short ribs.

-I just started Blue Apron.

-I can't recommend it enough.

-My lawyer -read it and he was so mad.

-He was like, Why -did you say all these things?

-I was like, I don't know, man -I was a very drunk.

-And he was like, -Stop saying that.

-We're going to lose the case.

-!We didn't lose the case, though, -!because a white friend of mine -!got me a very good white lawyer.

-And so the day that I got -my DUI was also the day -I was diagnosed -!with white privilege by proxy.

-!Y'all are living good out here.

-I was like, -all I get, I just get to go?

-That's wild.

-All my drinking stories -aren't that terrible, though.

-When we were coming out -of lockdown, I found myself -getting a little loose -with the drinking again, -and I knew -that I was having a problem -when I started to have nights -where the next morning -I was scared -to check my bank account.

-We have these nights, right?

-They get away from us -and I was upset -because that kind of thing -hadn't happened to me -since college.

-I remember the last time -it happened in college.

-I had a night -that got away from me.

-I checked my bank account.

-The next morning -I was down $300.

-I thought, No way.

-Even at my worst, -!I wouldn't just randomly spend -$300 on alcohol, right?

-I checked my wallet, -my debit card was gone -and I thought, aha, -a crime happened here.

-!Clearly I've been stolen from.

-So I go to the last bar -I remember being at.

-I opened the door -as soon as my foot touches -the ground, the bartender -!looks up and goes, Oh, this guy!

-A bad sign.

Bad sign, right?

-It's not like good -!news was going to follow that?

-It's not like he was going to -go, Oh, this guy drank a lot.

-But not too much.

-And respected both himself -and everybody in this bar.

-But that's not what happened.

-He goes, Come here.

-I bet -you feel like ass right now.

-But what you did, it -takes balls.

-What a horrifying thing -to hear with no context.

-I was like, What happened?

-He goes, You had nine -shots of pineapple vodka.

-Disgusting.

-Then you got up on the bar -and yelled Everybody, -Bud Lights on me.

-And then everybody had a Bud -Light on you.

-Now, I was upset -!for a couple of reasons, right.

-One, because it turns out -!I was the thief of this story.

-Thought it was a whodunit, -no dice, me did it.

-And two, what kind of bargain -brand baller stuff is that?

-To have the audacity -!to get up on a bar and be like, -Everybody drinks on me.

-Bud Lights only though.

-I'm not made of money.

-Thankfully that hasn't -happened to me recently.

-!I had a night get away from me -a couple of weeks ago.

-I checked my bank account.

-I was not down $300, -!but I did have four individual -!charges of $3.99 from Amazon.com -!that I had no recollection of.

-So I went over to Amazon -to see what I got me.

-!And it turns out that I rented, -not bought, rented -!the 2004 Will Smith Blockbuster -vehicle iRobot -four times.

-So after this show -iRobots on me everybody.

-I'm going to I'm going -!to start wrapping up with this.

-!I do talk about my mental health -struggles a lot in my set.

-And it's been a way for me -to kind of reconcile my life -and where I want to go.

-!I have a lot of struggles with -!the medication I have to be on, -with the therapy that -I have to go to week to week.

-!I don't want to be this person -who is constantly relying -on those things.

-I thought it made me weak.

-But I know now -that just to exist -and to be happy, -!these are things I need to do.

-And it makes me stronger -to go through them.

-And when I was moving -from Vermont to New York, -it was very difficult period -for me.

-As I was packing up -my apartment, -I found a suicide note -that I had written in 2019.

-And that kind of thing -it can hit -you like a ton of bricks, -right?

It's very, very heavy.

-I found -the note, I read through it, -and my -immediate thought was Ash, -!you have truly grown as a writer -since then.

-Oh boy, bad note.

-Bad note.

Very dramatic.

-Very glad -those werent my last words.

-I was just immediately seeing -my parents at the funeral, -like people -talking to them, like, -did he leave a note?

-And them being like, -Yeah, but it's a wordy.

-He wrote in second person, -which feels strange.

-When I first -moved back to New York, -!it was actually the second time -I'd moved to New York.

-I first moved there in 2017 -for summer, but was too poor -and I had to leave -pretty immediately.

-But when I got back -two years ago, -I went to all my old haunts, -went to go visit -all the old places I loved -the summer I lived there.

-The first one being, -of course, the grocery store -where the guys -there nicknamed me Aladdin -!because I was brown, constantly -trying to steal food -and always wishing out loud -that my life was different.

-They got me pretty good.

-But things have been settling -for me now.

-!Things are feeling better.

I'm -!feeling like New York is home.

-!I'm feeling better about myself.

-!And when I came back to Vermont -for this show, actually today -has been really heavy for me.

-I've been really -been getting flashbacks -of the person I used to be -when I lived here.

-I had very high highs here -and very low lows.

-And for a long time -I hated that person.

-I hated that person -I used to be.

-But what I've realized -is that person -I used to be, it's -not a different person.

-That was me.

-That was an iteration of me.

-And hating myself -is what got me into this mess -in the first place.

-!So I'm working on trying to love -myself.

-I'm working on trying -!to love every version of myself -that I've been and will be.

-!And I recently watched the movie -!Cooley High for the first time.

-Clap if youve -seen Cooley Hight.

-Has anyone?

Cool.

Yeah.

-I'm not surprised that -not as many people clapped -as they did -for The Fault in Our Stars -for the 1975 Black Movie.

-But that's okay.

Yall -!go watch Cooley High after this.

-But the movie ends -!with a really incredible poem, -and it has stuck with me.

-!I can't stop thinking about it -because every time I look -!in the mirror, I hear the lines.

-I hear the poem -that this character read -that served as both a goodbye -to his best friend -and a goodbye to his life -as he knew it.

-And when I look in the mirror -and I see myself -and who I've been -and try to love myself -and try to try to give myself -permission and forgiveness -to accept that person.

-I hear those words -when I look at myself.

-I hear we -were friends a long time ago, -rapping, -laughing, chasing girls, -obeying no laws -except for the law of caring.

-!Basketball days and high nights.

-!No tomorrows unable to remember -yesterday.

-We live for today.

-Thank you all.

My name is Ash -Diggs.

-Really appreciate the time -donate to Doctors -Without Borders.

-Thank you all very much.

-!Please give it up for your host, -Myra Flynn everybody.

-Come on, people -keep it going for her.

-Keep it going for her.

-!Thanks so much for joining us.

-If you want to continue to be -!a part of the Homegoings family, -!stay in touch at homegoings.co -!and subscribe to the Homegoings -podcast wherever you listen.

-Take good care.